October 19th, 2002
Presentation of the Unicorn Wafers
Lord William: Lord King, I present to you this gift, a chest of Golden Unicorns, from Master Huen of Damebrigge, your master chef, and his assistants, Ladye Glynnis and Lord Cydifor.
King Randall: We thank you, Lord William, and our thanks also to Master Huen and Lord Cydifor, and to the Ladye Glynnis.
Lord William: Lord King, Master Huen has also bade me say unto you that, while traveling to our land from their own Kingdom of AEthelmearc, he and his heard many and sundry reports from pilgrims and travelers of wildmen roaming the forests, yea verily even woodwoses spotted in the forests nigh the Crossroads at Elgin and the Limestone Marches in the east. Which same may even yet be on their way hither to work what manner of ill God and our Ladye only know!
King Randall: Yea, M’Lord verily have we even heard the very same; that is why our Sheriff, Lord Ian of Arkenstone at our command, has taken a score of men-at-arms to the Crossroads at Elgin there to deal with any such evil he may find.
Lord William: Well said, Your Majestye. But, an it please my Lord King, Master Huen even so bids you guard yon chest of Golden Wafers carefully, as Wildmen are wont to favor Unicorns.
King Randall: We thank you, and Master Huen, for thy concern, but think it most unlikely that any such villainous creatures would dare invade the merriment of our feaste hall.
(The chest of wafers should be placed in a prominent spot near the High Table and left alone. Sometime during the dancing and merriment, a woodwose will sneak into the hall and steal the chest, and take it back and place it inside the rolling tower. When the King spots the missing chest, he cries out):
King Randall: Guards! To us, quickly! Our chest of Unicorn Wafers has been stolen! By’r Ladye, it must verily even be the accursed wildmen our steward warned us of afore! Search the hall! Find the wretched villains and bring them to us! Find our chest of Unicorns! Captain of the Guards, send a man to the Marches to summon Lord Ian back.
(While this dialogue is taking place, the wildmen wheel in the rolling tower which has the chest of wafers sitting on a shelf inside it. The wildmen dance and make sport and generally act like wildmen. Upon spotting the woodwoses and tower the King might say):
King Randall: Undersherrif Dickon, do you take your men and subdue yon creatures! (To the audience the King says): Ye may see how yon wicked wildmen have taken our chest of wafers and do mock us and make sport, but we pray you, gentle people, be easy and fear not. Eat! Drink! Be joyous with us! Our undersherrif and his men-at-arms will deal with these villainous wildmen.
(The guards run up, then, on Dickon’s orders, trot off to do his bidding. They will engage the wildmen who throw mock stones at them, in front of the seven foot high rolling tower. The men-at-arms use swords to defeat the wildmen. The last wildman should die very dramatically. Then the Captain of the Guards could say something like):
Captain of the Guards: My Lord Dickon, we have struck down the woodwoses and beg leave to present His Majestye with his chest.
Lord Dickon: Very well; see it done. Your Majestye, may I present thy chest of Wafers. (At the Captain’s command, the men-at-arms bow and present the chest to the King.)
King Randall: We thank thee and thy stout lads, Lord Dickon. And now Lord William, we bid our pages and squires come forthe and give unto each and every one here assembled a Unicorn Wafer.
(William snaps his fingers and the servers begin distributing the wafers. While the Wafers are being handed out, William briefly explains that the Wafers are deliciously edible, but can also be saved as souvenirs by leaving them un-refrigerated for a week or two. Then the feast continues. And there was much rejoicing and gladness of heart…)
© 2002 Lee Freeman
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